


I can't look back when the memories look like that.

by mw4vt9



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, This Is Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26934580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mw4vt9/pseuds/mw4vt9
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	I can't look back when the memories look like that.

It hadn’t been a good idea to kiss her, two months ago standing on a balcony on a chilly afternoon, but Alex had done it anyway. It was stupid to wrap her up in her arms, burn her into her senses with each passing second, knowing how it would all end. It’d been a lie she told herself at the time, that everything would work out in the end. An end that was finite. A date that she knew Lena would be leaving, disappearing into the depths of the planet in the name of scientific advancement. She’d let the minutes tick by anyway, losing herself in the one person that was never meant to stay.

Now, standing on the pavement watching the plane disappear into the sky, Alex can’t make herself regret it even if it’d be easier to say she did.

The tears sting, her throat tight, as the hand she’d been using to wave falls to her side. The what ifs linger like the smell of the airplane that had just taken off, the memories mixing with the smell of Lena’s perfume to ground Alex’s mind somewhere between the reality and the memories.

When she’s home, Alex sits on the couch, a glass of whiskey on the side table beside her.

The first instinct is to tighten her jaw, take a deep breath, and bury it. That’s what keeps you safe when it comes to feelings. But, if Alex has learned anything, it’s that you can’t do that and ever truly move on.

Instead, she lets herself feel, the pain and the hurt and the confusion and the dread and everything that goes along with heartbreak over a love that was never meant to be.

The physical memories are the easiest to let take over. They are stored in her memory with all five senses. The touch, sight, sound, smell, and taste of her played like a movie in her mind, the experience visceral as she felt it all over again.

The touch of their lips. The touch of Lena’s fingers laced between her own. The feel of Lena’s hair as it slid through her fingers. The feel of Lena’s pulse against Alex’s finger tips as she’d applied gentle pressure on nights spent tangled together. The feel of Lena’s wetness on her fingers, her tongue working between calloused digits to taste herself. Her fingernails digging paths down Alex’s back that burned for days, her tongue on Alex’s ear and throat and chest. The feel of her pressed into Alex’s side as they laid there together, spent and tired, but unable to sleep just yet, instead drawing out the last moments of the skin on skin contact. She could still feel Lena’s fingertips running up and down her forearm, soothing and sweet. That first touch of their lips mixed with excitement and expectation, the last touch of their lips lost in a memory when they didn’t know it’d be the last time. The touch of Lena’s lips mixed with everything she’d ever wanted that she couldn’t have. Chapstick and lipstick over kiss swollen lips. Now empty, left to where they’ll never touch again.

The sight of her. Every curve and every outfit, leaving Alex breathless and wanting and falling. Tight dresses that hugged her closely. Casual outfits for work. Christmas pajamas she wore in a picture that Alex wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to delete off her phone. Calvin Klein underwear, lace lingerie, things that Alex wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to even think about again. The sight of her throwing a smile over her shoulder. The sight of her standing at the island in the kitchen drinking coffee, sneaking a kiss over a bite of a bagel. The sight of her waking up in the morning and falling into bed at night. Dark hair laid out across white pillows, her body bare and waiting for Alex to make her her own. Wearing glasses to concentrate on something, the sight of her throwing her head back to laugh. The sight of her in the shower, make up off and vulnerable. It all felt burned inside of her, images trapped into a book thats last chapter didn’t even know it was coming.

The sound of her voice when she was joking, laughing, teasing. It was like smoke and honey washing over Alex, soothing and commanding, sometimes with a cheeky smile or that mischievous grin. Each word appeared before her eyes. When she’d told Lena she was beautiful instead of what she’d wanted so desperately to say. Bright and red and clear. I’m sorry I have to go. Aching and tearing and awful. The sound of every word she said. The sound of her moans and groans and curse words. Even the sound of the yelling in the one fight they’d had. It sounded like music to Alex’s ears. Music that was supposed to fill her time with it’s sound. Now, nothing but silence.

The smell of her. Coconut lotion, cherry chapstick. Floral shampoo and dove body wash. Expensive perfume and something else that Alex never could quite place. Something soothing and something Alex could never recreate. The smell of her body when they made love, burning into Alex’s mind like something she’d never escape. She got wisps of it, even now, sitting in her empty apartment. A smell she’d probably always be chasing.

The taste would probably be the one that did her in the most. The taste of her lips, the taste of her skin, the taste of bourbon or wine on her tongue as she’d pulled their mouths together. The taste of coffee in the morning or sometimes in the middle of the night. The taste of candlelight dinner or take out. All of that rolled together and left behind by the taste of Alex’s tears as they fell freely down her cheeks now.

There was so much there, so many parts of someone to keep when she’d never get to have her or any of it again.

There was so much they never got to do, so much they’d never do. But maybe that was better. The memories she had were enough to torment her. No need to add more of them to the mix.

One day it’d just be memories, burned into her soul and into her heart.

But, she’d done the right thing and let her go.

She was never hers to keep.


End file.
